Detox

Please skip this post if you can't stand to read about the normal workings of the colon or the rest of the digestive system.

You had your chance. I went and got a colonic, or colon cleansing, or colon detox, what ever you want to call it. I don't know what made me compelled to go and do it that Saturday morning, but I have a feeling it was the food from Charlie's Christmas party plus the fact that a Thai friend told me about it, on top of the unfortunate sluggishness that I've been feeling.

So how does this work you ask? Or maybe you don't ask but are kind of curious to know. Or maybe you don't want to know at all to which I reply: Read the first line of the post again. The place that I went to was walking distance from my apartment. I am continuously discovering all the lovelies that are so close to home; maybe I will compile a list someday and you will understand why I never want to leave my apartment. Anyway, I showed up without an appointment and on the walk over, I called my Thai friend to say I was going, I was nervous, should I tip them?, was I going to be ok? She replied: that's good, don't be nervous, don't tip, and maybe.

I walked in and told them what I wanted and the two Thai women sat me down at a big marble reception desk, I filled out a questionnaire, they took my blood pressure and said ok looks good. She walked me into a private room and there was a giant scary looking chair. Apart from the chair, it was like a normal spa room. She had me get undressed and put on a robe and explained what was going to happen, but it was happening before I knew it. All of a sudden I was in the chair (still in the robe but with bare bottom against the plastic seat). She adjusted me a bit and put a pencil sized tube "up there." I had a flash of "I shouldn't be doing this, I want to go home" but I overreacted. It wasn't bad at all...but I didn't know at that point that I would have this flash again shortly.

She explained that through the tube, purified water would start to flow into my colon and beyond. Then she said when you have to go...just go. I didn't really get it but once the water started filling, I knew what she meant. I had that sudden flash again, only this time it was just like those terror filled moments when you're somewhere in public and need to get to a toilet ASAP. She was in the room for the first part and waited for me to "go" the first time. She was on the other side of a curtain and kept saying, "Don't be afraid, just relax, don't worry, you can make a noise if you need to..." This of course made me more nervous and embarrassed. She said that I can watch the water level and when it gets down to the last 5 liters, to press the call button for her. Then she left. I had only gotten through 1 liter and I had 24 to go. So the idea is that one or two liters of water goes through you, then you push it out with other stuff. Then you do it again until all 25 liters of water is gone.

I should mention that there is a mirror above the clear tube that sends all the water and other stuff down the drain, so that you can see what passes through. I won't go there, and I did not take pictures. Although I know one or two people who might wish I did photo-document the process. Sorry. However, it would have been more telling if I took pictures of my facial expressions in reaction to what I was seeing. All of the captions to those photos would be: "really?" or "are you kidding?" or for a really bad pun, "are you shitting me?"

So when it got down to the last few liters I hit the call button and in came the Thai nurse (I think she's a nurse...) and she came in to push on my belly for the last part of the colonic. Talk about strange. My Thai friend put it nicely. She said by the end of it you feel like you should get her name and number, take her out to dinner, take her home for the night because you get a little intimate while she's pushing your stomach while you're in the chair doing your 'wish-it-was...but-not-so-private' business.

After the whole thing was over, I was free to take a shower and get cleaned up. I admit I didn't feel a whole lot different. The rest of the day was fine and to be honest, I felt the benefits of everything in the next two days. Hard to explain, without using the cliche "cleaner." I was happier, had more energy, and felt like I could break into song and dance down the sidewalk. Kidding about the last one. I definitely recommend it. If you want more of the gruesome details, I'm not afraid to share, but you need to ask.